The brighter they shine, the darker night falls

Just when you think you know yourself,someone, in one second, can take you back to the person you thought you had finally left behind. Where in one moment you can be jerked back into the old metal rusty familiar grooves of that evil roller coaster, scooping you up violently off the ground, up and down, round and round, shaking up everything you are. Leaving you with a lump the size of a golf ball lodged in your throat and hands shaking as they attempt to continue chopping vegetables as if everything is ok. No matter how much good we do, no matter how far we evolve, how beautifully we blossom we are all so quick to believe it is all a sham. Because deep down we feel we are bad. We believe that THAT perhaps is our true self. The ugly past that no one sees. The monster that lies beneath. Our inner child that is told NO, reprimanded for being BAD, left without a voice, the only action that of REACTION. A broken spirit of much repression, weakness, powerlessness, anger, out of which a tough exterior is born. Why couldn't I just laugh? Or just mind my own business? Surely I would feel better now? Silent but safe as the walls crowd around me and I can't breathe. Blaring mantras to drown out the mocking daily evening sounds of normalcy. Instead I reacted. Badly. Furious and venomous that he treat someone so terrible. His misplaced anger igniting a fire from deep within me, propelling me forward, my feet not mine, my voice,someone else. But who was I sticking up for? Myself 20 years ago? Finally big enough to protect others from his bullying? I can't take back my words. My energy is dark and heavy, my eyes unable to see through the blur of angry tears that just wont fall. Ashamed that he actually went to throw something at me. Ashamed that I can elicit such a reaction from someone who is supposed to love me most. And I wonder why I can never fully trust, or depend, or feel safe because really anyone can turn on a dime. And it scares me. And I feel now that I might not ever recover from these thousand steps taken backwards. That I need to run far, far,far away. But that, after all, is what brought me here in the first place.